My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
