Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
