remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
