Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
