When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
