I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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