Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
