Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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