On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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