Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
