i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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