i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
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