No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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