just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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