I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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