There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
