Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
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