My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
