The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
