So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
