This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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