Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Reggie can tackle my bush.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
