can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
