Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
