I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
