We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Pants are for mortals
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
