I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
