i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
