She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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