your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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