You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
