If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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