Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize