I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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