How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
