Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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