i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
you didnt know i had herpes?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
