he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
