I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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