its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So apparently I’m into choking now
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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