I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize