so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
