Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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