I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
