Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
