I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
