Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
