I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
