Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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