wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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