I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
