What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I need to sanitize my soul.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
