FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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