Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
whose parrot is this?
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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