Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
