Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Randomize
