he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
