you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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