My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
