Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
