My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
