I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
